The Chloe Grace Project ♡

The Chloe Grace Project is a legacy project in honor of my sweet Chloe, that I lost at 15.5 weeks pregnant. Also to honor all of the other babies that are no longer with us earth-side.

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"When a baby is born, it is the mother's instinct to protect the baby. When a baby dies, it is the mother's instinct to protect the memory."

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So what is a "legacy project"? A legacy project is a wonderful way to remember a baby that is no longer here. A "legacy" is something that is passed down from one generation to the next. A legacy project allows us to make memories with our little one in mind while never letting the memory of them disappear. This is so important for bereaved parents of babies that died before birth or shortly after. We have so few memories to cling to that directly involve our baby so to be able to do things in memory of our lost baby, is a personal expression of love and grief.

I lost Chloe on May 13th, 2014. Because it was due to an abusive situation, I don't speak often about how I lost her as it can be triggering for many...including myself. I was 15.5 weeks pregnant at the time of my loss. In the years since, I have had many people tell me that it was "just a miscarriage". Do NOT let anybody tell you that! Do NOT believe anybody if they do tell you that! The nurse I had that day was an absolute angel! She did not make me feel that my baby mattered any less than others just because of her gestational age...and that is what I need YOU to tell yourself if anyone tries to bring you down.

I can still hear the nurse say, "She's so tiny, do you want to see her?" while I was lying there a sobbing mess. My eyes shot up at her when I heard her the "she" and I nodded my head while sobbing even more. She fit right in my hand. She was the most perfect little thing I had ever seen at only 5.5 inches long and 4 ounces. It was in that moment that I knew Grace, a Latin name coming from the word grâtia meaning "gratitude", would be her middle name. I was so grateful that through everything that happened, she looked as though she didn't feel a single second of pain. Chloe, is in remembrance of my late best friend.

Not many people knew about my loss for quite a while. One of the first people I told, made me feel extremely awful about myself and that it was my fault that I lost her because I was the one who chose to stay in the situation I was in. This had me so scared that maybe they were right. So I kept it all to myself. In that moment though, I made it my mission to get myself and my at-the-time six month old earth-side baby out of that situation so nothing else bad could happen. And I completed that mission just a few short weeks later.

Fall 2014, I was on a walk by myself and I seen a woman sitting on a bench sobbing. I don't know what it was, but something (in hindsight, I can say someONE) told me to go up to her. I approached and asked her if I could sit, she nodded without looking up at me. I sat there for a few minutes and then said, "In my opinion, it's always easier to talk about things with a stranger. My ears are open if you would like. If not, I understand and I can stay sitting here as silent support. Or you can wave and I can leave." She sniffled, turned to look at me and started telling me that it had been one month since she had given birth to her 26 week baby boy, still. My heart shattered. She talked about all of the plans she had for her baby boy. All of the friends and family that were so excited to meet him. All of the things that she was doing to prepare for his arrival. Then...she said that this was the first time she said it out loud. She had only told people via text because she couldn't get the courage to do it out loud. She said she felt a wave of sadness and repeat heartbreak flow over her as she talked about it, but that she felt a little lighter now that she did. She said, "if I can tell my story to a complete stranger, why can't I tell it to the people who love me that are also grieving this loss? I'm going to go talk with my mom after I finish my walk." She thanked me for offering to let her open up and asked if I would like to walk with her. I agreed. When we got to her car at the beginning of the trail, she asked if she could hug me and asked my name. I told her and she goes, "it's so nice to meet you Jeni. My name is Chloe. You were the exact blessing I needed today. Thank you." Once again, my heart...shattered. I knew it was a sign. I knew I also needed to talk about things with those who loved me. And so, I did. I haven't stayed quiet about it since.

So, Chloe...if you ever somehow manage to stumble across this and remember me...thank you. You were also the exact blessing that I needed that day.

For so many years I tried to think of ways that I could honor my Chloe's memory. At some point the idea of The Chloe Grace Project came to mind. From that moment on, I have had so many visions for what it would be...what it could be. I just knew that I wanted it to be something memorable. Something that can also help other loss parents know, they are NOT alone and they do NOT have to go through it alone.

For now, I am starting off The Chloe Grace Project with my Loss Collection, a virtual Memorial Wall where I hope we can honor so many babies that are no longer with us, and an E-Book full of letters "from, a mom walking beside you". I would love for you to read my letter and submit your own, if you would like. I can't wait to see what the future holds for The Chloe Grace Project.

I appreciate each and every one that took the time to read this and/or share it. If there is anything I can do to help you, please reach out to me at loss@mingomaternalsupport.com

In the mean time, please be gentle with yourself ♡